Friendship

Tonight I hung out with my friend Amy. Amy is one of my most favorite people.
Whenever we hang out, we just eat, watch a movie and laugh. In fact, every time we spend time together I laugh so hard that my face turns beet red and tears stream down my face! We also have deep meaningful conversations where we share our hurts and struggles.
It's such an easy comfortable relationship that in all the years we have been friends, we have never had an argument of any kind.

It's easy for me to forgot that I have a comfortable and accessible friendship in Jesus Christ. I still get into a pattern of thinking that I need to perform, in some way, in order to gain His approval. That is a lie. Jesus has already done all the work on the cross. Jesus said in Matthew 11:29, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
Jesus just wants me to accept his unconditional love, acceptance, and yes, friendship.

Scripture verse:
"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:15).

Duke Moment

There are times in our lives that grief and sadness can seem all-encompassing. However, even in the midst of seemingly unbearable grief, God will reveal His loving presence.
I like to call these moments "Duke Moments."
Here is an example, and also an excerpt from my book.
After Shawn, Mike and I took the twins to the adoptive parents home in Tulsa, Oklahoma, we drove back to Hastings, Nebraska. I was consumed by grief. The car had a somber quality about it, without the joyful noise of the twins.
We arrived back in Nebraska around 6p.m. Shawn invited me to stay at her house that night, which I eagerly accepted.
The Bramble's (Shawn's  family) had a yellow Lab named Duke, whom I absolutely adored. In my eyes, there was not a sweeter or more gentle dog than Duke.
However, when Shawn's husband Tom came home, he proceeded to tell us a story about Duke that had happened earlier that day.
I guess Duke absolutely hated the mailman, and that afternoon when the mailman was walking around their neighborhood delivering the mail, Duke saw him, and started chasing after him while ferociously barking and growling.
Tom said the mailman started sprinting backwards (so he could keep an eye on Duke), in an attempt to escape Duke's wrath.
The thought of my beloved Duke acting so vicious, and the picture in my head of the poor mailman running backwards made me laugh hysterically, which prompted Shawn to start laughing just as hard.
That is what I like to calm my "Duke Moment." In the middle of the most intense grief of my life, God revealed His loving presence to me through laughter, and not just a chuckle, but gut busting laughter.
In the center of your darkest moments, always be on the lookout for your own divinely inspired "Duke Moment," whatever form that may take.

Sermon

Today's sermon was entitled, "A Tragic Embodiment of Nominal Christianity." It was from Revelation 3:1-6
Here are some of the most compelling and informative points of the sermon:
1. This is a letter to the church at Sardis. The church at Sardis was like a beautifully adorned corpse in a funeral home. Beneath the outward facade of beauty, was death and spiritual putrefaction of the vilest sort.
2. Only a "few names" in Sardis "have not soiled their garments" (v.4). The majority had incurred defilement; idolatry and immorality.
3. A church can be widely known for its activity and influence ,all the while "dead" in the estimation of Christ.
4. There are a couple of wrong responses to this. One would be to respond with righteous indignation, and say, "Yes, but that's not us." These are the ones who are in particular jeopardy of spiritual mediocrity. The second wrong response would be to "throw in the towel," and abandon the local church because of its frailties. Nowhere in these seven letters does Jesus even remotely suggest that the local church is dispensable. Failure of the local church is not synonymous with abandoning the local church.
5. There are promises rewarded to those who persevere. First, in verse 4, they will "walk" with Jesus "in white, for they are worthy." Our worth is a gift of  God's grace, not a reward for our obedience. However, at the same time Jesus calls on us to walk in a way that is "worthy" of our calling, which is to say we are to live in a way that accurately reflects the glory, beauty, holiness, and great privilege of being a child of God.
Lastly, the "overcomer" will be "clothed in white garments." This refers to the experiential holiness of life now, by the virtue of the gracious, sanctifying work of the Spirit, as well as the righteousness of Christ himself that is imputed to us by faith.

Conversation Cafe& NTS

Last night I went to UCO for Conversation Cafe. CC is a ministry that connects with International students.
I had the opportunity to meet a couple of very sweet girls from China; "Han," and "Yo Yo." I had a great time connecting with these precious international students. I have known for quite some time that God has called me to minister to internationals. I have been on mission trips to Uganda and Kenya, and have been blessed both times by the people in these countries.
For some reason, I have gotten away from doing what God has called me to do. There are so many unreached people all over the world, not to mention here in The United States. Luke 48b says, "From everyone who has been given much, much will be expected." I want to join God on this journey He has planned for me!

I received exciting news today! I decided to switch paths and apply to Nazarene Theological Seminary to get my masters degree in Theological Studies. They contacted me today and told me that I have been accepted!
Very grateful for this opportunity!

Why We Qualify

I was at my Bible study yesterday, and one of the women in the group shared that she has wanted to become a Naturopathic Doctor for a long time. But she thinks, because she is overweight, she would not make a credible Naturopathic Doctor. She has disqualified herself from something that is very important to her, because of some self imposed standard that she has placed upon herself.
It made me think of all the times I have disqualified myself, because of my own self imposed standards.
It also made me think about the Apostles in the Bible, and how easy it would have been for society to disqualify them based on something other than God's truth.
Peter disowned Jesus three times (Matthew 26:69-75), and yet God called Peter to write two of the New Testament books.
Also, Paul killed Christians and persecuted the church (Acts 9:1&2), yet God called him to write the bulk of the New Testament books; 13 total.
It would have been easy for someone to tell Peter or Paul that they were not qualified to preach God's Word because they denied Christ and killed Christians.
However, God had and still does have a different plan. He does not see things the way man does.
What qualities a person to be considered worthy IS all about performance, BUT is has nothing to LPdo with our performance, AND everything to do with Jesus' performance on the Cross. Hebrews 10:14 says, "because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy."
I don't want to continue to disqualify myself from life, and possibly miss out on God's blessings, because I judge my worthiness on mine or the world's standards. I want to join God in furthering His Kingdom.
What God says about me is the truth and that is what qualifies me to do things that would otherwise seem impossible.

Sermon

Today's sermon was entitled, "Jesus says, 'I Know your Kidneys!'"
The scripture verses were from Revelation 2:18-29.
Here are some of the most convicting and compelling points that I took away from the sermon:

1. Where are you today, in terms of Christian growth and zeal and love for Jesus, in comparison with where you were when you first became a Christian?
2. The Christians in ancient Thyatira were commended for increase in growth and service, however there was a toleration of falsehood and moral compromise in their midst.
3. Some in Thyatira had grown tolerant of the "woman Jezebel" and her wicked ways.
4. There is a lesson to learn from the church in Thyatira. The Christian life is an ever-upward trek towards greater heights of holiness and love and theological understanding.
5. Revelation 2:23 says, "And all the churches will know that I am he who searches mind and heart, and I will give to you as your works deserve."
Revelation 2:23 is an allusion to Jeremiah 17:10, "I the Lord search the heart and test the mind (in Hebrew, mind literally means  kidneys), to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds."
6. The word mind is the literal word for kidneys. It was often used to describe the inmost, secretive movements of the soul. Those deep inner impulses are seen with utmost clarity by the Lord Jesus.
7. God's omniscience should have a deep impact on how we live our lives.
8. Much of the Church today is suffering from "spiritual osteoporosis." There is a loss of  theological backbone.
9. It's easy to conform to the prevailing trends in our society. We are to be committed to the functional authority of Scripture; changing our behavior in conjunction with God's Word.
**Finally as Revelation 2:25 says, "Only hold fast what you have until I come."

Mike's death

I talked to Mike's mother and sister yesterday. They both confirmed what I suspected. Mike died of alcohol poisoning.
Three days had passed before his body was found in his house. What's more, his younger sister died 8 months after Mike died.
I haven't missed Mike for a long time, but he was a significant part of my past, so there is a bit of a grieving process that goes along with his death.
As I was talking to his mom, I was reminded of the insanity that went along with my relationship with Mike. I was also reminded of how tragic and sick his entire family is.
There are consequences for our behavior. It's easy to be deluded into believing that our decisions won't lead to tragedy; that we will stop whatever self-destructive behavior we are involved in before something really bad happens. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.
God has given each of us freedom to make choices, but our choices have earthly and eternal consequences.

As Paul said in 1Corinthians 10:23; "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible but not everything is constructive."

Sad News

I found out today that the biological father of my twins died.
I don't know how he died. I have my suspicions, but I don't know anything conclusive.
Mike was a chronic alcoholic and drug addict. He was involved in a bar fight in 1991 that left him partially paralyzed on the right side of his body.
I felt very sad when I read about his death, but I wasn't surprised. Mike and I were together on and off from 1996 until 2002.We actually met through a drug deal. We started living together in 1997. We had a very sick and violent relationship.
Mike was one of 9  siblings, who were all alcoholics and or drug addicts.
I prayed many times that God would free him from the bondage he was in. He lived such a tragic life. More than anything, I hope God spoke to Mike's heart before he died.

I have been thinking of all the times I could have died or killed somebody because of my own drug addiction. However, God in His infinite grace chose to save me.
God is the author of life, and only in His omnipotence and omniscience does He have the authority to take it.
For those who are written in God's book of life, the power of death was swallowed up on the Cross.

Scripture verse:
"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true, Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death is your victory?  Where, O death is your sting?" (1Corinthians 15:54&55)

Sermon

We had a guest speaker at church today, and he taught from Ephesians 4:1-3:
"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle (restrained strength) be patient, bearing with one another in love (it is one thing to tolerate a person. It's another to yield to their weakness). Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

In these verses, Paul is urging us towards a reaction.

Many times, our reactions are largely disproportionate to the situation.

God gave us His Son, as an atoning sacrifice for our sins, but many times we are consumed more by the things of this world.

We are to walk in a way that displays how worthy God is of our praise. Focus on what God has done more than what we can do.

**Ethical transformation is the only worthy response to the holiness of God.

Bible Study

I was working on week two of the Bible Study I am taking at Scope Ministries. It is called, "The Weight of Grace." Here are a few points that stood out to me from the section I did today:

1. Write down 5 or 6 adjectives that describe who your father was to you as a person growing up.
2. Many times, those adjectives are indicative of how you subjectively feel about God as your heavenly Father.
3. What we think and how we feel about God have a direct bearing on whether or not we will seek or experience God's intervention in whatever stronghold we struggle with.
4. Many people can recite a list of God's attributes, but when asked how God feels and acts towards them, those attributes did not seem to come into play.
5. The reason our perceptions about God matter when it comes to overcoming strongholds, is that without an accurate view of God and his role in every aspect of our lives, we do not access the only lasting solution to our problems, which are all found in the context of a relationship with and reliance upon God.

Scripture Verse:
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" ( John 15:5).

Here is another excerpt from chapter 11 of my book

After the end of a disastrous relationship, I moved back to Oklahoma City in the spring of 2002. I had about 2 years of sobriety
In the summer of 2004, I applied to Nursing School. An associates degree in Nursing only takes 2 years. I thought, since I wasn't getting any younger, it would be a smart choice. I never gave much thought to whether I actually wanted to be a nurse. That choice would prove to be a monumental disaster.
I was an absolutely deplorable nurse. It was definitely not my calling, but I was unwilling to admit that. Towards the middle of my second semester, my nursing care instructor called me into her office. She told me that I either need to voluntarily withdraw, or they were going to dismiss me from the nursing program. I decided to withdraw. I felt like a complete and utter failure. I was consumed with feelings of inadequacy.
Around March of 2005, I relapsed. I was taking prescription diet pills during the day, and drinking and taking Ambien at night.
By this time, I was 35 years old, and I had been abusing my body for so long that I thought I may not live through this relapse.

Scripture verse:
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" ( Zephaniah 3:17).

Chapter 11

Here is an excerpt from chapter 11 of my book:

It was June of 1999; about a year after giving the twins up for adoption. Mike went to jail for unpaid parking tickets. I decided to go to the jail and bail him out. We were officially back together.
I stopped going to church and AA meetings. I stopped associating with  people who were good for me, or who would impart godly wisdom.
Mike would either stay at my apartment, or I would stay at his house. I was temporarily successful at numbing my grief.
One afternoon, I was waiting for Mike to get home. When he walked in the door, I knew he was stoned. At first, he tried to deny it, but when he realized I wasn't angry, he told me the truth. Not only was I not angry, I was thrilled at the prospect of getting high. After almost 3 years of sobriety, I relapsed.
One night I got so stoned, I called my sister Paula, and started sobbing and rambling on about some dog. Paula calmly asked me if I was high, and I told her "yes." I don't remember the rest of the conversation.
I was smoking pot and or drinking everyday. I also started huffing again, and for the first time in 9 years, I cut on myself.
I approached my 30th birthday with a sense of utter dread. 30 seemed so old, and it was hard for me to fathom how much of my life I had wasted. I stayed stoned the entire day.

Scripture verse:
"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. How gracious he will be when you cry for help. As soon as he hears, he will answer you" ( Isaiah  30:18a&19b).