New Bible Study

I started a new Bible study today at Scope Ministries. It's called "The Weight of Grace."
It's about experiencing the freedom from overeating that we already have.
Some of the chapter titles are:
God wants you to have freedom
Emotions and overeating
Why diets don't work, especially for Christians

From the first chapter there are several points where I feel like the Holy Spirit is really speaking to me.
1. As Christians, by virtue of our rebirth in Christ, we have a new nature, and one of the attributes of that new nature is self-control ( Galatians 5:23).
2. A Christian's self control is the natural outgrowth of the inward presence of the Holy Spirit. When we act in ways that are not good for our bodies or are not self-controlled, we are not "being ourselves."

A truth that is difficult for me to comprehend is that I am already free from the bondage of overeating. I am not in the process of being free; I am already free. The reason I continue to struggle with overeating, is that I still don't fully accept my new identity in Christ, which clearly states in Scripture that I am a brand new creation ( 2 Corinthians 5:17).

There are numerous Scripture verses that let me know that I already have freedom over sin. Here are just a few:
"To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood" ( Revelation 1:5).
"You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness" ( Romans 6:18).
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free" ( Galatians 5:1).

Sermon

At church today, the sermon was from Revelation 2:18&19. The topic was "The Spirit of Jezebel".
Here are some points Pastor Storms made:
According to 1 Kings 16:31, Jezebel was the daughter of Ethbaal, king of the Sidonians, who married Ahab, king of Israel. Jezebel was responsible for the killing of Naboth and confiscation of his vineyard for her husband ( 1Kings 21:1-16). She sought the death of all the prophets of Israel ( 1Kings 18:4; 2 Kings 9) and even came close to killing Elijah ( 1 Kings 19:1-3).
The name "Jezebel", had, in fact, become proverbial for wickedness.
Most likely the Jezebel that is referred to in Revelation was a female member of the church who was promoting destructive heresies and leading many into moral compromise. She is a real person, but the name Jezebel is probably symbolic. Although the first Jezebel had been dead for over 1,000 years, her " spirit"  had, as it were, found new life in this woman of Thyatira.
She was a self proclaimed prophetess. She may very well had prophetic ability, but it was an ability energized by a demonic spirit.
The spirit of Jezebel was not unique to the church in Thyatira. It is alive and well in the body of Christ today. It is an insidious, yet subtle spirit. It is destructive, yet enticing.
The solution is not to repudiate the prophetic altogether, or any other spiritual gifts for that matter. Rather, we must be good Bereans, " examining the Scriptures daily" ( Acts 17:11) to see if these things are of God or not. In sum, we would do well to heed Paul's counsel: "Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil" ( 1 Thess. 5:21-22).

Chapter 10

Here is another excerpt from chapter 10 of my book:

The morning after taking the twins to Wayne and Dina's home, Shawn, Mike and I drove to the courthouse.
For the most part, I remember sitting in somber silence during the drive. I hadn't cried since I left Wayne and Dina's home. After we arrived at the courthouse, we went into the judge's chambers to sign papers. I remember very little of my surroundings in the judge's chambers. I know Mike was sitting next to me and Shawn was sitting behind us, her head down in fervent prayer. The judge was a man in his sixties, with kind empathetic eyes.
It was now time to sign papers terminating my legal rights to my babies. In order to expedite the process, Mike quickly signed the papers and left the room.
When it was my turn to sign, I broke down and started sobbing. I picked up the pen to sign the papers, but I was crying so hard I couldn't even write. I looked at the judge and asked if I could have a moment. He looked at me with those kind, gentle eyes, and said, "Of course."
I excused myself from the judge's chambers and went into the restroom. As soon as I walked in, I fell against the wall and crumbled. I continued to cry uncontrollably. I desperately prayed, "God, if this is what you want me to do, please give me the strength to do it."
Although I was still shaking and crying, I pulled myself together enough to go back into the judge's chambers. I then signed papers relinquishing my parental rights to my twins.

Scripture verse:
"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:7&9.

Chapter 10

Here is an excerpt from chapter 10 of my book:

After the epidural had worn off, I went to the nursery to see the twins. As soon as I saw them, I started crying. I knew my time with them was limited.
Upon seeing me cry, my mother, never one to be able to handle sadness or grief of any kind, attempts to avoid witnessing my grief. She walks away from the cribs where my twins were sleeping, and walks over to crib where someone else's baby is sleeping. In a feeble attempt to divert my attention elsewhere, she loudly exclaimed, "Look how cute this baby is over here!" Needless to say, I couldn't have cared less about any other babies in the nursery other than my own. But my mother would have tried just about anything, no matter how futile, to escape her grief, not to mention, her own.
Something that is rather amusing is that my mother was actually capable of handling physical pain. When I told her my ass was on fire from the episiotomy, she tranformed into this incredibly maternal woman. She rushed to fetch a rectal donut for me to sit on, and kept pestering me about taking a sitz bath in order to alleviate my burning "rectum."
For some reason, my mother insisted on using the word rectum and I absolutely cringed every time she said it. After about the fourth attempt to get me to soak in a sitz bath, I informed her that there was no way I was sitting in a tub where a hundred other asses had sat.
She said, "Well, okay but it would really help your rectum." I answered back, "Listen! Will you please stop using the word rectum?" She asked, "What's wrong with the word rectum?"
Technically, there was really nothing wrong with the word. But considering my precarious emotional state, at the time, almost anything, including something as minute as hearing the word rectum one time too many, could have sent me over the edge.

Scripture verse:
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. I know that full well. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139:13,14&16.

Chapter 9

Here is an excerpt from chapter 9 of my book:

I had a relatively smooth pregnancy. Most of my morning sickness occurred in the afternoon, and was easily remedied by eating a few saltine crackers. The morning sickness completely ceased by the start of my second trimester.
One of the most precious memories about being pregnant, was when the babies started kicking. I absolutely loved it! What's more, being pregnant with twins, made it feel like there was a football game going on inside of my stomach.
After a meal, was a prime time for the babies to start kicking. Sometimes it was nonstop. It was like; boom, boom, boom, boom! It was never uncomfortable. In fact, I cherished every moment.
Shortly after the kicking started, my stomach started visibly rippling from their movement. I would lift my shift slightly, and watch in astonishment, as my stomach rippled. It looked like waves in the ocean. Many of my evenings were spent just feeling the babies kick and watching my stomach ripple.

Scripture verse:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11.

Chapter 8

Here is another excerpt from chapter 8 of my book:

I met Mike Sacco, the father of my twins, through a drug deal. Mike was 31 years old, had a pronounced limp, and was a severe alcoholic and drug addict.
Mike had a disgusting apartment that was cockroach infested. Mike's brother Dominic lived in the same apartment building. Dominic did a lot of methamphetamine, which Mike also did on a regular basis. As a result, I started doing meth more frequently. I was also smoking pot everyday.
Mike had 9 brothers and sisters by three different fathers. Everyone of them were alcoholics and or drug addicts.
After passing out one night, I woke up, in the middle of the night, to the feel of something on my cheek. There was a cockroach on my cheek! Another  night, I woke up to find a cockroach crawling up my arm. I was traumatized and had a panic attack. This started my phobia with cockroaches.
Mike and I rented a house together in Hastings,Nebraska. Around October of 1997, I instinctively knew I was pregnant. I took a home pregnancy test that confirmed what I already knew. I was terrified, because I did not have a spouse that I could rely on to help me, plus my obsessive compulsive disorder was still not manageable.
However, I knew I needed an obstetrician. My friend recommended a highly reputable obstetrician in Hastings. His name was Dr. Mitchell.
When I arrived at his office for my appointment, he did a health history. I was upfront about my OCD and told him about the medications that I had been taking. I told him that I stopped taking them as soon as I found out I was pregnant.
Then he did an ultrasound,and told me I was pregnant with twins. Although I had been feeling a great deal of ambivalence about being pregnant, I was elated about the prospect of carrying twins. What Dr. Mitchell said next absolutely knocked the air right out of me.
He said, "Having taken in account you'd OCD and the medication you were on, I recommend you have an abortion. I adamantly exclaimed, " No"! He asked me what I planned on doing. I told him since I am only a couple of months pregnant, it is not imperative that I make any permanent decisions right now. But I told him I was carrying these babies to term no matter what else happens. He replied, "Why don't you be fair to these babies?" I said, "What's fair is to kill them?" He said the most fair thing would have been to have never gotten pregnant in the first place.
The last thing he said was, in order for him to be my doctor, I had two options. One is to have an abortion. The second is to resume the medication I was taking and then give the babies up for adoption. He said, however I  would have a hard time finding anybody who wants to adopt them, because of all of the damage the medication will do to them. I told him thank you but I will find another doctor.

Scripture verse:
"The Lord reached down from on high and took hold of me: he drew me out of deep waters. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me" Psalm 18:16&19.

Chapter 8

Here is an excerpt from chapter 8 of my book:

Around February of 1996, my satanic fears came back with a vengeance. I was so terrified that I couldn't stay in my apartment by myself. I would sleep at a friend's house or my former boss' home. I also started smoking pot again and taking Ambien every night. I quickly became addicted to Ambien.
My therapist introduced me to a woman named Shawn Bramble. She thought Shawn could be sort of a support system for me. Shawn came over to my apartment, and I told her about the drugs and how terrified I was. She invited me to come stay with her and her family. I readily accepted her invitation.
I loved that house. It was so beautiful. It was two stories with a full basement. The guest bedroom was in the basement. So I would have the whole basement to myself.
It should have been ideal, but I was still terrorized at night by thoughts of the occult and The Exorcist.
Shawn knew I wasn't a Christian. She was certain I was experiencing spiritual warfare. She asked me if I would like to meet a friend of hers who worked at the church her family went to. I said yes.
In March of 1996, Steph Butz came over to Shawn's house. She explained to me what it meant to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Steph pulled out a stuffed caterpillar that had a zipper on it. When she unzipped it, the caterpillar turned into a beautiful butterfly. Steph said that when we accept Jesus into our hearts we are transformed into new creatures. She referenced 1Corinthians 5:17.
She asked me if I wanted to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I said yes. I immediately felt a sense of peace wash over me and I began to joyfully tear up. However, that feeling would be short lived.
Because I did not understand my new identity, and had lived such an immoral life for so long, I continued living the same way as I had before I accepted Christ.

Scripture verse: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 8:38&39.

Sermon

Pastor Sam Storms at Bridgeway church is doing a sermon series on the book of Revelation. It is phenomenal!

Here are a few key points that I took away from yesterday's sermon:
Instead of asking, "Why do Christians suffer persecution?" we ought to inquire, "Why do Christians not suffer persecution?"
Sam quoted John Stott, "The ugly truth is that we tend to avoid suffering by compromise. Our moral standards are often not higher than the standards of the world. Our lives do not challenge and rebuke unbelievers by their integrity or purity or love. The world sees in us nothing to hate."

Thinking about hell has practical benefits. Sam quoted Jonathan Edwards, "Resolved, when I feel pain, to think of the pains of martyrdom, and of hell."

It is remarkable how tolerable otherwise intolerable things become when we see them in light of the "second death"! Think often, then, of the pains of hell. Think often of the lake of fire. It puts mere earthly pain in perspective. The collective discomfort of all such temporal experience is nothing in comparison with the eternal torment of the " second death" in the "lake of fire."

Jesus, in unfathomable mercy and grace, has suffered hurt by it in my place. So be faithful, Christian man or woman. Rejoice, on child of God. And give thanks that you will never, by no means ever, suffer harm from the "second death"!

Chapter 7

Here is another excerpt from chapter 7 of my book:
My dad died on April 12, 1994. A couple of months later, I was at a party. I had been drinking and using drugs, and for lack of a better term, I had a nervous breakdown. I started crying and screaming uncontrollably.
My friend, Brandy was also at the party, so she drove me to the Crisis Center. After they had me stabilized, they transferred me to the psychiatric unit at St. Anthony hospital.
While I was there, I met a patient named Darrell. I wasn't the least bit attracted to him, but I became very fond of him. He had schizophrenia and was super quirky and interesting.
Before I was released, we exchanged phone numbers, so I could maintain a friendship with him.
One evening, after we both got out of the hospital, Darrell called me. He said he was hanging out at his apartment smoking pot with his friend Joe, and did I want to come over. I said yes.
Darrell's apartment was in an area  of Oklahoma City's that was laden with drugs and violence. Yet, I felt no trepidation whatsoever about going there. I got very stoned that night.
When we ran out of pot, we drove to Joe's brother's house. His name was Robby. He lived a couple of blocks away from Darrell in a seedy drug infested neighborhood.
As I walked through Robby's kitchen, I saw cockroaches everywhere. That night, I got as stoned as I had ever been. I also started dating Robby, if you can actually call it dating. We drank, did drugs, and had sex, while I intermittently had emotional breakdowns, which would lead to a few days on a psychiatric unit.
Robby introduced me to methamphetamine and crack cocaine. I liked meth but I  loved crack and soon became addicted.

Scripture verse:
"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light" 1Peter 2:9.

Chapter 7

Here is an excerpt from chapter 7 of my book:

I went to Prairie View hospital in January of 1991. My parents thought that treating my chemical dependency might be the right course of  action. They had tried everything else and were running out of options.
Prairie View was in Newton Kansas
It was a beautiful facility. It was very different from Shephard Pratt. They did not tolerate deception and manipulation.
Within a couple of weeks of being there, I started cutting on myself. I would either use my tweezers or break a lightbulb and use a piece of the broken glass.
My self-imposed rule for cutting was that I could only stop when the cut was severe enough to need stitches. So when I had a big gapping wound, I would stop.
After several trips to the emergency room to get stitches, the staff decided to switch tactics. The next time I cut myself, they took me to the emergency room. But after we got back to the unit, they informed me that I was to sit in the time out room, read a chapter out of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and write a paper about what I read. It was one of the first times I had been given a consequence for my behavior. And although I did not enjoy doing the assignment, it stopped me from cutting. However, if did not stop me from getting involved in other self destructive behavior.
As usual, I started up a relationship with one of the male patients. I was 20 years old and he was 16. He was severely troubled and had a propensity towards violence. He was involved in the occult and in one of our group therapy sessions, he detailed some of the satanic rituals he had taken part in. At first, I was horrified by what I was hearing.
But it didn't take long for me to go from being horrified by what he had done to developing an attraction to him.

Scripture verse: "The thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy, but I have come to give you life and to give it in abundance" John 10:10.

Chapter 6

Here is an excerpt from chapter 6 of my book:

In November of 1990, I went back to Shephard Pratt hospital a second time. The doctor thought the focus of my stay should be on my obsessive compulsive disorder.
The floor they put me on was supposed to be a general psych unit, however the majority of the patients on the unit had multiple personality disorder. Even my roommate had MPD. Patients would go into alternate personalities and become very violent, yet I felt completely comfortable around these people.
I knew to stand out in this crowd and be the sickest, I was going to have to up the ante. I had to be much sicker than I was the last time I was there.
I was first introduced to self mutilation the first time I was at Shephard Pratt. One of my roomates was a 17 year old girl and she would cut on herself. So this time I decided to employ self harm.
I also began to "dissociate." I would sit staring in a trance like state until I would finally "come to," and be back in the present.
I had either been sick or playing sick for so long that I wasn't sure what part of my mental illness was actually real and what part was completely fabricated.

Scripture verse: "But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" 1 Corinthians 15:57.